Teaching Tip: Talk to Your Students About Friendships

A Student Asked: ”Is it okay to only have one or two friends?”

The other day, I received an email from a past student. She had moved up to 7th grade this year, and she was worried that she only had one or two friends. As everyone knows, friendships during your middle school years are one of the most difficult to navigate. Do I have enough friends? How can I get more? Do people think I’m cool? How do I get to hang out with THEM?

I asked her to tell me what she meant by “friends.” Did she mean the people she could text with after school? Someone to call on the weekend to hang out? Or just someone to eat lunch with at school or talk to in class? 

Why Don’t We Talk About Friendships in Class?

Becoming adept at social relationships is half of the “fun” of middle school. When you have accomplished this, sometimes the rest becomes easy. But this is also a time when you are constantly questioning yourself. 

So, why aren’t we talking about what defines a friend and how to cultivate these relationships, if it is such an important part of growing up? Let’s not leave kids hanging and constantly worrying whether only having one or two friends is okay. 

Levels of Friendships Activity

I learned this activity from one of my friends. I believe it originated with Terry Bradley, a GT guru. It doesn’t take any prep (of course, my favorite part), but it’s a great way to get the conversation started.

1. Give your students a blank sheet of paper and show them how to draw 5 concentric circles on it. You could prepare this for them ahead of time, if they are younger, or you could draw it on the board to show them what you are looking for.
2. Explain that people have different levels of friendship throughout their lives, and their friends will probably change throughout the different stages of the lives.
3. In the smallest circle, have them write their name.
4. In this next size circle, tell them this is the “intimate circle.” If you teach middle school, you will hear giggles. You can do this with elementary kids too. Tell them that these are the people closest to you. You express love, hurt, sadness or whatever else is going on with you. This is where you have the highest level of trust. These relationships have developed over time. Have them write in the names of these people. They could even be family members.
5. In the third largest circle, these are your “friends.” These are the people you call your friends and still share your feelings. You seek out advice from them and you enjoy being with them. These relationships could be newer and not as intense. Have them list these people.
6. In the fourth largest circle, these are your “casual friends.” You give these people a sense of who you are by revealing your opinions. It’s where trust begins.  You talk about schoolwork or your outside activities and share your feelings about them. You wouldn’t necessarily hang out with them every weekend, but you are excited to see them at school/church/sports/club, etc. Have them list these people.
7. In the largest circle, these are your “acquaintances.” The conversations with these people are more about facts. You share safe, non-threatening, non-personal information.  “I hope we have a snow day.” “Did you study for the test?” Have them list these people.

Now What? Have a Discussion:

If you want to have them share with a neighbor first you can. However, this could be embarrassing for some students, so I didn’t start there. I just started by asking questions and calling on those that wanted to share. Here are some possible questions:

1. What did you learn about yourself in this activity?
2. Were there any surprises?
3. Is it important to have relationships at all 4 levels?
4. Why are there usually fewer people in the inner circles?
5. From your list, are there any people you would like to see move further in?  (Use arrows by their names to point inward toward you.)
6. Are there any you think should move farther out?  (Use arrows by their names to point out away from you.)
7. Do you think relationships look differently for people your age than for adults?

So, Is it Okay to Have Just One or Two Friends?

The answer is a resounding “yes,” if they fall in your smaller circles. My worry would be for the child that can’t fill out the smaller circles. Here is a tip: as a teacher, make yourself more aware of this child. Can you pair them up with someone that has similar interests or capabilities? Can you recommend clubs or groups where they can make more friends? Can you put them in more of a leadership role in class?

Did you know that when teachers exhibit positive feelings about a student, others will probably feel the same in your class? Can you have conversations with this child about how to cultivate friendships? Heck, it’s not easy as an adult to do this and why so many books are written about it. JUST DON’T IGNORE IT. This child needs you.

For Parents of Gifted Kids:

If you are the parent of a gifted child, you know that your child may struggle with cultivating friendships. Since your child may be more advanced in their intellectual development, they may struggle relating to others their same age. Here is an article that you might find helpful from the Davidson Institute: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Q2clgZXsGfEF3DizIX20WTbe4GHGtAURETmgBrNB4ew/edit?usp=sharing